Three-Stage Discipline Plan

By Elaine M. Gibson

One of the constant problems parents face is getting children to do what needs to be done. Life requires that certain things be accomplished in a timely fashion. Children must get up, get dressed, eat, take care of basic grooming, take care of responsibilities, and participate in the chores of family living. If getting kids to do what must be done becomes a struggle, family life becomes a major hassle.

A major goal or parenting is to gain the child's cooperation. Ultimately, the child must tell himself what to do. Children need to know that they must do what is required. But children are different and situations are different. It's not an either or situation.

The following Three-Stage Discipline Plan is offered as a way to make sense of the options parents have in working with their children.

Stage I: Encourage the right response.

• We can see what needs to be done and we want the child to tell himself what to do.

• Sometimes we need to clarify the information if the situation is not obvious to the child. "Your wet towel is on the carpet. Wet towels can cause the carpet to mildew," instead of "Can't you ever remember to hang up your towel!"

Good Decision-Making Begins With Small Choices

It is easy to tell children what to do and when to do it; what to wear and how to wear it; what, when, where and how to eat; what to say and what not to say; what to think; what to feel. No wonder kids start complaining about being bossed around all the time. It's easy to tell them. Getting them to do anything is a different matter.

For parents, bossing is a quick response and seems faster than offering choices and holding children accountable for their decisions. However, bossing doesn't work. It creates time-consuming problems and it deprives children of opportunities for learning to make decisions.

There is a better way: We can offer choices.

As parents, we need to be aware of our responsibilities in matters of choice. We present safe, acceptable, reasonable alternatives in matters of preference. This is more complex than saying, "Which one do you want?"

• First, the choices must be real and the options must be possible.

• We also need to make certain that every option is acceptable.

• If all options are acceptable, we must resist the urge to talk a child out of his or her choice and into ours.

• We need to think of choice situations as legally binding verbal contracts.

Children learn many lessons by making choices.

• They learn that every choice is connected to consequences.

NOTE: When choices do not affect or inconvenience other people, a change of mind can be acceptable.

• Children can also learn that there is a time limit for decisions.

• Children learn that they will be held accountable for each choice.

• Children learn that some choices will produce results that are not pleasant.

• Just for the record not every situation offers the opportunity for choosing.

If we expect an 18-year-old to make good decisions for himself, by the age of 9, shouldn't a child be making half of all the decisions?

Empty Threats and Fake Promises:

BIG MISTAKES

Parents can say the most ridiculous things at times. Most of us have been guilty at one time or another of making empty threats or offering fake choices.

Empty Threats

Making threats that can not possibly be carried out is worse than futile. A child dawdles in the morning and a parent, already running late, threatens, "If you don't hurry up, I'm going to leave you!" If this is a real possibiliity (the child is old enough to stay alone or another adult will be staying with the child), the statement is a promise, not a threat.

"If you don't eat the spinach, you are never going to get another meal in this house!" "If you don't pick up your toys, I'm going to give them to another child who will!" "If you don't stop sticking your head out the car window, we are going to leave you at the next rest stop!" Parents who use empty threats never get the desired results.

Children very quickly learn not to believe empty threats.

At best, threats just convince our children that we are feeling helpless. Kids angrily resent threats but they soon realize the truth. A parent who makes such statements has lost control and the kids have won!

Empty threats are a loss of control.

After a parent says something ridiculous as a threat, the child can challenge the threat and prove who is in control. Even if the parent resorts to physical force to make the child comply, the child has won. A wise parent will not make any threat that cannot be carried out. Remember, a promise is different. The results are promised, the child has a choice, and the parent acts.

Children never believe what we say, but they believe everything we do.

Fake Choices

Another common goof is offering choices when there are no choices. We want our children to do something and think that instead of giving an order, we will ask them politely if they want to do something. That's a desirable course of action when the child's response, positive or negative, is acceptable. The problem occurs when we need a specific response.

• "Are you ready to take your bath? ... What do you mean `no'!"

Parents can give children choices, but only acceptable choices.

Children need the experience making decisions, but if there are no acceptable alternatives, parents must never make it seem so.

For example:

• "It is bath time. Would you like plain water or bubbles?"

Note ; Given a choice, creative children will come up with a third or fourth alternative. A wise parent will consider the alternatives and allow the child that privilege. Sometimes a compromise is in order. Negotiation is a skill all children need to learn and the best place for learning is at home.

Remember, watch what you say, your kids are listening for mistakes. No empty threats, no fake choices.

Parenting: A Real Management Challenge

Parenting is a management job, not a dictatorship. Getting children to do what parents want them to do is the great struggle of parenting. For some strange reason, children would prefer to do only what they want to do. Trying to force children into battles over obedience is a miserable way to live. Instead of seeing parenting as a dictatorship, see the task of parenting as a management challenge. Good managers lead their team, and the team wants to follow. If daily life is a struggle at your house, here are a few suggestions that might help.

• First, give up the idea that parents are the boss.

• When something needs to be done, describe the problem to the child.

Expect children to do the right thing but don't be shocked if they don't. These are learning situations. Give children the opportunity to tell themselves what to do.

• When a child volunteers cooperation, NOTICE.

Express appreciation and your high opinion of the child. Children who can tell themselves what to do are happier children. They are also learning to live in the real world.

• If a child looks at you with a "So What?" expression, give further information.

Now if the child still refuses to do anything about the obvious, clearly explained problem, advance to the next step.

• Give the child a choice.

Keep the consequences reasonable, enforceable, and immediate.

• Stay calm. When you know what you will do next, there is no need to yell, scream, or get upset.

• Step in and do the what needs to be done without yelling or begging.

• When children know what is expected and simply forget, remind them in kind, considerate ways.

• Use as few words as possible for reminders.

If you remind children of what needs to be done in paragraphs of discussion, cut your words to a sentence.

This won't work:

"Why is your towel on the bed? You know that wet towels cause mildew. Didn't you hear me tell you to get the towel off the bed? When are you going to listen?"

The towel will still be on the bed and the child will not be more inclined to move it.

This is better!

• If a child needs a reminder-try for one sentence. "The towel is still on the bed." The child knows the rest of the story and will appreciate not having to hear it.

There is no need to struggle over everyday chores. Instead of orders:

• Expect cooperation.

With difficult children, this is necessary.

No one likes being given orders all the time but some children have extremely bad reactions to such a situation. That's one of the reasons they are considered difficult. Approaching parenting as a management challenge instead of obedience training is important for difficult kids. Besides, obedience training is for dogs and other pets. Children need training in people skills. The best parenting book I've ever read is not a parenting book.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey is about management based on principle- centered leadership, relationships with people, relationships based on trust, and problem-solving based on win/win situations. Dr. Covey now has a set of tapes on principle-centered families. Although I haven't heard the tapes, I knew this material was perfect for the job of parenting when I first read it.

Learning how to encourage cooperation instead of simply demanding obedience takes practice, but it is definitely worth the effort in the long run.

• Think before speaking. To yourself say, "What is the problem here?"

Stage II: The parents must give an order; but first, they must know what they will do if the kids don't respond.

Stage II is for children who are beyond encouragement, who don't respond to the opportunity to tell themselves. In Stage II, parents must think first about the consequences for non-compliance and then give the order.

• Explain exactly what we want the child to do. "I want you to or I need you to ...."

Parental Authority

Sometimes, it really is how you say it!

Bed time, bath time, play time, work time, quiet time, dinner time - there are so many things to coordinate with our children that we need to make an effort to make our expectations clear. Clear expectations expressed by an adult with a sense of self-control sends a clear message. Children must sense authority to believe the message.

An adult's authority with children comes from a matter-of-fact attitude about the business at hand. The tone of one's voice, the volume, the pitch, and the purposefulness with which something is said convey authority to a child. If there is a hint of begging or pleading, all authority is lost.

Parents can easily fall into the "nice nice" trap.

If a child is asked to do something in a voice that says, "Hey, I'm being nice, I'm a nice guy, and I really hope you will think so too, SO please, please, please do this without any trouble," the child will seize control of the situation since the adult is obviously not in charge.

There are many choices we can give our children at appropriate ages, but there are some things that simply must be done. If we tell our children to do something, we better say it in a way that lets them know that this is expected, that it's not a suggestion. Instead of "It's time to do this," our kids hear, "If you want to."

We can be kind to children and still be firm. Our expectations must be clear from the beginning. When a child has no choice-no choice should be implied.

For instance, a parent is ready for Billy to get in bed. The tired parent asks, "Billy, are you ready for bed?" Billy thinks, "Well, no I'm not. I think I'll stay up a little longer," and Billy keeps playing. The parent then must try to convince Billy that going to bed would be a good idea. Billy doesn't think so. A confrontation is in the works.

When it is bedtime, parents need to let a child know exactly that. "Billy, it's time for bed. Do you want to choose a story to read or do you want me to tell you one?" Billy knows it is time for bed and he still has a reasonable choice to make on his own.

Another trap parents can fall into without even realizing it is the ridiculous "okay?" added at the end of a command.

"It's time to take your bath, okay?" Adding "okay?" to the end of an order dilutes the authority. Parents use the "okay?" to sound nicer perhaps but clear directions are polite and understood.

A child who hears, "Now eat your lunch, okay?" thinks "Gee, maybe not. No, I don't think I will." I child who hears, "You can finish your lunch in the next five minutes or get down from the table. There will be no snacks," understands the situation.

A parent who stays calm and collected retains authority.

Now, staying calm all the time is impossible, but if a parent knows what he or she will do when the children do not comply with a directive, it is easier to stay calm and in control.

Always assume that the child may not comply. Know what the next step will be BEFORE you voice the request.

A child who refuses to go to bed can be informed that the next bedtime will be moved up half an hour, then given another chance to comply.

A child who is playing at the table can be informed that his plate will be taken from the table unless the unwanted behavior stops immediately. There is no need to scold, beg, or plead. Natural and logical consequences can work wonders.(For more information about discipline that makes sense, see Children: The Challenge by Rudolph Dreikurs.)

Examples

For the child who argues with every parent command, try the "broken record technique." Regardless of what the child says, repeat the original command in exactly the same voice that it was given. Don't start a confrontation, simply repeat the command. This technique essentially conveys, "This is what I said, this is what I mean, it doesn't matter if you don't like it."

There is nothing wrong with being firm as long as it is respectful and kind. In fact, it is necessary.

Unfortunately, there are parents who try to be "nice" without assuming their rightful authority and they often end up yelling and screaming at their children when their children don't respond. Difficult children seldom respond easily. Parenting is never simple but these guidelines are:

• Make your expectations clear.

It's all about learning and it takes time. Be consistent and be patient.

Anti-Arguing Instructions

Arguments tend to be of two types: the argument that follows a parent's request: and the argument that follows a child's request. The following techniques address both kinds of arguments with one goal -- To Stop Arguing!

The Broken Record Technique

From Lee Canter's Assertive Discipline for Parents

For the argument that follows a parent's request (command)

• If the child starts to argue instead of doing what a parent requested, the parent merely repeats the request as originally stated -- like a broken record.

• No matter what the child says, the parent repeats the original request for a set number of times. Three times is plenty.

For this technique to be successful:

• Determine consequences for non-compliance ahead of time. Discuss this with children before it is an issue. Goal: Cooperation. Determine consequences: time-out, removal of privilege, etc. Determine rewards for fast compliance if a behavior modification plan is in place.

Rimm's Anti-arguing Instructions

From Sylvia Rimm's How to Parent So Children Will Learn

For the argument (nagging) that follows a child's request:

• Do not say yes or no immediately. (Arguers always choose an inconvenient time to approach you because they instinctively know when you are vulnerable.)

If they're too big for time-outs, you go calmly to YOUR room and lock your door. If they beat at the door, ignore them.

Advantages

• The parent can remain rational.

Expect your children to learn the following facts of life:

• Parents have earned the privilege of saying no.

Saved by the Bell:

Use Kitchen Timer to Solve Problems

Because we are responsible for our children, we do a great deal of talking, usually telling our children what they should do and when they should do it. Children, because they are normal human beings, resent being told what to do and when to do it.

Every family needs an objective, non-partisan referee for daily events. The kitchen timer can be just that. A kitchen timer is one of the most useful tools a parent can own.

Take the timer out of the kitchen.

• With young children, the timer makes a great game. When anything needs to be done, the child is invited to "beat the clock". "Let's see if you can get your pajamas on before the timer goes off." Children love to race the bell and quickly learn how good it feels to be cooperative and gain a parent's positive attention.

When the bell goes off, time is up.

In our house for instance, belongings that were not picked up by the child were picked up by the parent -- and the parent decided where to put the belongings, either the trash, the attic, or the buy-back box.

Such rules makes it worthwhile for the children comply and no nagging is necessary. Parents can effectively remove themselves from the situation and reappear when the timer says, "Time is UP". The children can not argue with a timer.

If parents consistently enforce the consequences without allowing "five more minutes" or "one more minute", children learn to meet the deadline without arguing. And when children DO meet the deadline, their effort and cooperation needs to be recognized.

The best reward for compliance is always a parent's attention.

The highest praise is a parent's recognition. By describing exactly what the child did and commenting on the effort, we can give our children the "praise" they need. "I see that you picked everything up and put your belongings in your room in less than 10 minutes. You worked quickly and I especially like the way you cooperated with your brother." A quick "good job" might be easier, but a real description of the work that was completed will make a child beam with pride.

Slow-to-Adapt Kids NEED a Timer

A timer can be used to set all kinds of limits and deadlines and for countdowns. A timer can be used to limit bath time for a child who would play in the tub forever if possible, to show a child how much longer before Mom or Dad can play with them, or to show a child "how much longer before we go".

Try it, you'll like it.

• The timer is objective and fair and children appreciate those qualities.

Try one in your house and see if it can't make life a little easier.

Stage III: For children who choose to defy their parents.

The parents must take over. All children try it at least sometimes. Some children seem to spend their entire childhood testing all the boundaries. Stage III may be a constant state for parents of such a child.

• Give the child who fails to respond to a Stage I or Stage II request two choices: compliance or consequences.

• If the child fails to do what is expected, enforce the consequences.

Don't allow a child to manipulate the situation at this point. The consequences have been set and should be carried out. If the child argues or begs and pleads, don't listen. This is not the time to feel sorry for your child.

Children must experience the consequences of their actions; of their choices.

Consequences should be reasonable and related to the incident. If a child doesn't like the consequences, the parent has found the right one.

Discipline is Better Than Punishment
So what's the difference?

The words punishment and discipline are used all the time, often interchangeably. Is there a difference in this terminology? The terms represent two very distinct beliefs about the job of teaching children.

Punishment

The child who has done something "wrong" is punished in hopes that the behavior will not be repeated. The belief behind punishment is that pain must be felt for learning to take place. The child may learn to fear getting caught and to avoid repeating the same behavior, if the punishment is severe. For punishment to be effective, it must be severe, and the severity must increase with subsequent infractions.

Punishment is seldom directly related to the "crime". Regardless of the misbehavior, the method of punishment remains the same (for example, parents who spank for everything). The child learns nothing of real-life consequences and grows up without the ability to discipline himself.

Punishment does teach; it teaches children several things.

• to be afraid of authority

--- because punishment comes from the outside.

Punishment is for hurting, discipline is for training.

True Discipline -- Parents teaching their children things that are worthwhile:

• Actions produce consequences.

The word discipline means "to teach." A person who is learning is a "disciple." An action is discipline if it creates a positive learning process for the child. When parents give a child consistent limits that are enforced by kind firmness, the child will learn appropriate behaviors.

For parents with difficult children, this process will take a long time. The key is not to give up or give in.

Such training requires that behaviors always have their consequence, every time:

• Appropriate behavior should result in positive consequences.

Note: Using these big words is better than using terms like "good" and "bad". Running is neither good nor bad. Running in the library is inappropriate. This terminology will always make sense.

The Parent's Responsibility

It is the parents' job to see that the every child experiences the consequences of his or her own behavior. When behavior and consequences are directly related, the child learns. Parents can provide the means or the situation for teaching and learning to occur. Parents must allow children to suffer consequences.

Two types of consequences: Natural and Logical

Some consequences are natural and require little intervention on the part of the parent. If a child refuses to eat dinner, the child will be hungry by bedtime. If the parent allows the child to go to bed hungry, the child will have learned something about appropriate eating behavior.

Playing in the street has its natural consequence, which is of course unacceptable. For that reason, some consequences must be arranged. These arranged consequences are called "logical consequences." If the child plays in the street, the child must stay in the house for a certain period of time. If the child throws food at the table, the meal is over for the child. Logical consequences are arranged by parents to teach and train a child and are therefore discipline.

Going without food and being grounded may sound like punishment to many but there is a difference. When children are allowed to suffer the consequences of their own actions, they won't like it. Sometimes physical pain is involved. An empty stomach hurts. Sometimes the pain is emotional. It is no fun to have your bicycle locked up for a week because you left it out.

In each case however, the child experiences the results of his own actions.

Advantages of Logical Consequences

• The consequences are directly related to a behavior and they make sense.

"Punishment," in contrast to discipline, is intended to inflict pain. Punishment requires an angry parent and produces hostile, rebellious children. Discipline requires a thinking parent and produces cooperative, thinking, responsible children. It's just common sense.

For help in learning how to use logical consequences, see New Approach to Discipline: Logical Consequences by Rudolf Dreikurs.

Begging and Pleading for Mercy

Don't Fall for It

 "Please, I'll never do it again. I promise. Please, please, please."

 "I forgot. I promise I will never forget again. Please, please, please."

Every parent can add the dramatics needed to complete these scenarios. Children have an instinctive ability to beg and plead their way out of consequences. They honestly believe what they are saying. Faced with the consequences of their latest action, they DO believe they will never do it again or that they will remember to do it the next time, depending on the infraction.

The fact is, they won't. What they will remember is that it is possible to beg, plead, and cajole their way out of consequences. Giving in to a child's distress and agony is not a kind thing to do.

As parents, it is difficult not to feel our children's pain. A child who is faced with unpleasant consequences is in real pain. A very intense child will make that agony a shared experience for all. When a child seems truly repentant, as any child faced with consequences will be, it is so easy to think, "This child has learned his lesson. The consequences won't be necessary."

The consequences ARE necessary. If a child escapes the consequences, a parent's authority disintegrates. This is a difficult time for parents. We actually must allow our children to suffer. The consequences teach the lesson, and the lesson will be remembered. Easy children make this process easy for parents. They accept the consequences and do what must be done. Difficult children make the process very hard.

It is important to keep in mind the desired result and ignore the "ugly" behavior of a child that rails against the inevitable. A child that cries, yells, storms around, and finally accepts the reality has learned to accept consequences as surely as the child who politely says, "Okay." The goal is for children to realize that parents enforce rules. If parents can do that consistently, even difficult children will get better at accepting the consequences that they have earned.

The trick for parents is to believe that it is the right thing to do. And it is.The following guidelines are reminders of what every parent already knows.

• Don't set any consequence that cannot be enforced.

• Don't be intimidated by a child's anger.

• Don't fall for the "I promise" routine.

• Being respected is more important than being liked all the time.

• When children do something wrong, they deserve to experience the bad feelings.

Be firm. Be the parent.

Mistakes to Avoid

• Expectations that are too high

• Beginning at Stage III

• Verbal abuse