1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day; teach that person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really
good for anything, but you still can't help but
smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science
fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well,
that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family
restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a
camcorder these days no one talks about seeing
UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the
first thing they notice about a woman is their
eyes, and women say the first thing they notice
about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase
costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial
tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the
world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. It bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. How is it one careless match can start a
forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a
campfire?

14. You read about all these terrorists--most of
them came here legally, but they hung around on
these expired visas, some for as long as
10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster:
you're two days late with a video and those
people are all over you.Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.