A Touch of Humor

"Surely God loveth humour. Created He not mankind and the kitten who chaseth her tail?"
--John Donne

JAMIE by Fr. Rick Losch

"I admire the way Jamie communicates
with the younger children on their own level."

A BRIEF SURVEY OF POLITICAL SCIENCE

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
SOVIET COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The community decides who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
OLYMPIANISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

DAMNATION BY FAINT PRAISE?

The following are actual excerpts taken from "employee performance reports" of (British) Royal Navy and Marine Officers. (From Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guide to Royal Navy Slanguage).

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not allow this officer to breed.
This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This Officer should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better.
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

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