Journal, Journey, Janel
2/3/04 - a good day to learn how to count ... weight: 202, size 16 pants, 14/L/XL tops
so last week I gained 2.5 lbs. 204. sucked.
This week I lost 2 of those, put me at 202. that's half a pound more then I was 3 weeks ago. cest la vie, no?
so, that puts me at 3 lbs away from what I wanted to be at valentines day, and 5 lbs away from what I want to be at st
Patrick's day. I feel find with maintaining my st pats goal, but I am trepidatious about my vday goal... I may make it, and if I do that's great, if I don't, then at least I weigh almost 70 lbs less this vday then I did last, right? right.
I also told Paul how much I weigh. that was really big, I've never told him. he was not
surprised at all of course, he's a smart guy and I'm sure he figured it out a long time ago... (I had previously asked him what he thinks I'd look like if I weighed 169.. he said he thought it would be too skinny, but that we could see) ... so obviously he knew I weighed a heck of a lot more then that. :P
we bought our crown molding and a new counter top for the kitchen yesterday! We installed the counter top, and it is GORGEOUSNESS and gorgeousity....I took pictures and emailed them to my mom and step dad, and will hopefully email them to work so I can put them up here to show you. I will also have to take pictures of the old countertop, in all it's
ugliness ...
Interesting news:
When I was at my heaviest I could not pull my "skinny jeans" (size 14 i believe, tight fitting at my skinniest point ever which was after I had my tonsils removed and didn't eat for a while) ... anyway i couldn't pull them up past mid thigh, let alone all the way up ..
I can now pull them *almost* all the way up, and I can even button them. when I say they're almost all the way up, I mean that they are not sitting as high on me as they should by about 2-3 inches, but I can still button them (mildly painfully, mind you) and stand there for a few seconds before I must unbutton to be able to breath again.
I think they're so low because my thighs won't fit all the way into the jeans where they're supposed to. my butt neither. my stomach might fit but not very easily...
Progress!
maybe one day in the not too distant future I'll be able to pull them up without a struggle, and button them easily and be able to breath (even, GASP, sit!) ...
ahhh... dreams.
I've also noticed that while my long skirts that I own (were made by my mother many many years ago) are not too big on me, they are several inches longer. hehehe
This is because I used to have to wear them really high up at the thinnest point in my waist (which is several inches above my bellybutton). .... They are now riding right at my belly button, if not a little lower when I'm standing up.... so that's really awesome! :) they're even loose a little there! I love these skirts. they have lasted me soooooooooooo long and have fit me through thick and thin, literally. well ok, thick and not-so-thick. I've still got a ways to go
until I get to thin. but that's ok too :)
I wear size 16 pants right now, at least, some 16's... I bought a pair of 16's at
Walmart by the George designer person, but they are REALLY tight.. so, I won't wear them
until they're looser. They are, however, more loose now, then they were when I bought them a few weeks ago! yay! so even though I do not so much weigh less then I did, I am apparently a little smaller??? Who knows.
Anyway I need to take measurements. I have been kind of procrastinating updating my measurements until I reached 200 or 199, but I need to just do it and get it over with and then maybe I can see progress that the scale isn't necessarily showing so much.
I hope.
either that or I'm going to be mad. hehehe
2/11/04 - I forgot my hair thingy for the gym ... 200.5 lbs same clothes as last week but they are more loose!!!!
Well this week was good, weight-loss wise. :)
I lost 1.5 lbs, putting me at 200.5!
I also took my full body measurements and they showed improvement in almost all areas! The areas that didn't show any size difference where my ankles, my wrists and my neck. that's ok though :) I am not going to get too much smaller in those areas anyway, and probably not until I reach goal will there be much of a difference.
I did show around an inch loss at my waist, bellybutton, hips and chest! ... I will need to get my measurements from home and post then for comparison, but I don't have them with me so it will have to wait. :)
let's see... what else.
oh yeah, this morning I was feeling skinny and tried on my jeans, they fit even better then they did last week!! yay! I buttoned them, up without hardly a struggle (though there was a bit of a struggle, especially for the first and last button) and they are pulled almost all the way up, WOW!!! :) I think another 5 lbs and I will be able to pull and button with no problem, and another 10 lbs and I will be able to wear them in public!! YAY!!!
Also I tried on my George size 16 black pants that I think I talked about last week, and they are really loose at the waist and still too tight on the hips and butt, but they are better then they were last week too !!! YAY!!!! hehe They have NO stretch in them at all however, so I still can't sit in them. lol
maybe next week or two :) by then the waist will really be too big though. eh, that's ok, better then too small, right? right. It can always be altered.
my DBF told me each time he sees me (sans clothes) I am smaller then the last time he saw me (sans clothes), so that was really nice of him to say :) Made me feel good.
My mom's friend saw me for the first time in a couple years last week and told my mom that she thought I looked FABULOUS and much younger then I did the last time she saw me ! Which
surprised me, I had no idea I would look younger, being thinner?? and 2 yrs older ?? hehe ... but I'll take it .. so at this rate I should look like a 2 year old by the time I'm 40, right? sweet. :D
no other weight stuff to report. not much else going on, I have an invite to go to a wine tasting thing
Monday after next, and I'd like to go, Paul doesn't drink wine though so I'd have to go by myself, but others that I know would be there. May I actually be making a friend???? Who knows! But it'd be neat if I was. :) I will keep you informed, dear diary.
That's it for now I think!
oh wait, my BMI Is down to 26.4!! yay!!!!
2/11/04 - My workout routine
My workout consists of 3 workouts, on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I recommend having a day of rest instead of doing all 3 days together like me, but I do not have time to do it any other days. So here it is:
Each day I start by warming up at a brisk walk for 5 minutes. I then do my stretches holding each stretch for at least 30 seconds. Then I do my weight training as listed below, followed by 25-35 minutes of cardio on an elliptical type machine. I then cool down just a bit and repeat my stretches, again holding each stretch for a minimum of 30 seconds. Below are listed the weight training exercises I do on each day. I do not necessarily do them in order of day 1, 2, 3 but I ALWAYS do them in those groupings. This helps me not overwork my muscles. You will notice that I do not work any single group of muscles more then once a week. Abs are listed 3 times but they are 3 different sections of my abs (upper, middle/side, lower). Please make sure to not over work your muscles in your workout routine. Please also keep in mind I did not start out doing this many reps with these weights. I started lower and less repetitions. Please consult your physician and/or trainer before beginning any workout routine. :)
Day 1:
- Leg Lifts - 3 sets, 15 reps -- works the lower abs
- Triceps Pushdown - 3 sets 25 reps 40 lbs (I think) -- works triceps
- Kickbacks - 3 sets 20 reps 8 lb hand weights -- works triceps
- seated chest press - 3 sets, 15 reps 37.5 lbs -- works chest muscles
- butterfly press - 3 sets, 15 reps 37.5 lbs -- works chest muscles
Day 2:
- Side Crunches - 3 sets for each side, total of 6 sets 20 crunches each -- works sides and upper abs
- Leg Curl - 3 sets 15 reps 60 lbs -- works hamstrings
- Preacher Curl - 3 sets 15 reps 30 lbs -- works biceps
- Standing Bicep Curls - 3 sets 15 reps 30 lbs -- works biceps
- Seated Row - 3 sets 15 reps 60 lbs -- works back muscles
- wide-bar pull down - 3 sets 20 reps 70 lbs -- works back muscles
- No Name Bar lowering -- this exercise was taught to me by someone who works out at my gym. you take a long bar with 10 or 25 lb weights on each end, stand on a weight lifting box, keep your shoulders back, arms straight down at your sides holding the bar and slowly lower the bar, keeping back straight and shoulders back, down to your toes, then tighten gluts and hamstrings and bring it back up again. 3 sets 12 reps 50 lbs -- works back, gluts and hamstrings
- Squats - 3 sets in-between bar lowering sets 25 reps -- works gluts and hamstrings.
Day 3:
- Crunches - 3 sets 20 reps -- works middle abs
- Calf Raise - 3 sets 25 reps 60 lbs -- works calves
- Shoulder Press - 3 sets 15 reps 30 lbs -- works shoulder muscles
- Lateral Raise - 3 sets 15 reps 30 lbs -- works shoulder muscles
- Lateral Pull - 3 sets 20 reps 40 lbs -- works shoulders and trapezoids
- Leg Adduction - 3 sets 20 reps 90 lbs -- works inner thighs
- Leg Abduction - 3 sets 20 reps 90 lbs -- works outer thighs and hips
2/18/04 -- ONEDERLAND!!!!!
well, I am officially in ONEDERLAND!!!!
for those of you unfamiliar with that term, it means I weigh under 200 lbs!!!
For the first time, healthily, in a LONG LONG TIME!!!!!
I am at 198, which means I lost 2.5 lbs this week. which I'm thrilled about
because of the huge meal I had on Valentines day. hehe
I ate light on Sunday though, and weighed 198 Monday morning for my official
weigh-in and 197.5 on Tuesday morning, so it wasn't a fluke!! YAY!!!! Hopefully
I will weigh even less next week.
I don't notice much of a size difference but the size 16 pants by George that I
said were really tight are now loosening up a bit. I hope it's not because I've
stretched them out by trying them on. I haven't done squats in them or anything
so it shouldn't be too stretched out..
I need to get a new leather jacket because the one I have is too big!!! EEE!!!
Ok I'm not going to go buying a leather jacket right now, but when I am at goal
you bet I will be!!! SO EXCITING
On the WW boards today (or was it yesterday?) there was a post about our "4
minute mile" ... meaning... what we think may be impossible for us to reach
but that in the long run we hopefully/probably will reach (how they used to
think it was physically impossible to run a 4 minute mile and now it's common
place amongst athletes)..
I Had said I used to think my barrier was being under 200, but I have realized
it's my goal weight of 169. I am not sure if I will be able to reach it. I never
have been sure if I could reach it. I've never weighed 169 except on the way up,
I think probably in junior high school, POSSIBLY high school, early on, but I
don't know...
That's only 29 lbs from where I am now. I say only, because I'm not sure if I
will be happy with myself in 29 lbs from now. but then again, when i was about
230 lbs I was a far cry from the shape/size I am now... so hopefully I will be a
far cry from what I am now when I am at goal...
blah I'm rambling
What I'm trying to say is, I don't know if I can be 169 lbs, but I am going to
try very hard, because I want to be happy with how I look, how I feel, and be
healthy for the rest of my life. If I can do that at 169 then that's great. If I
can't get past 175 then so be it. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
My BMI currently is 26.1 which is totally awesome!
I will officially no longer be over weight in 9 lbs!!!!! 189 lbs !! WOW!! that
will give me a BMI of 24.9 hehehe
169 gives me a BMI of 22.3 ...
SO... those are my goals and my fears I guess... fear in that I may never reach
my goal... or I may reach it and still not like what I see in the mirror...
My sister and Dad are cautioning me not to lose too much weight, they are sweet,
but they don't understand what it's like to be overweight or obese either. My
Dad is avg size and my sister is a size 4. hehe .. she has a TOTALLY different
body build then me. I think she's 5'6" if that gives you any clues....
Others around me (coworkers, acquaintances, etc) tell me that I would be a stick
if I lost 29 more lbs. they don't understand how huge my legs/butt/hips are ...
and they don't know how much I weigh either...
I am by NO MEANS skinny
I have well defined proportions, and I am much smaller then I was 57 lbs ago
when I first officially joined WW ... but I still have a ways to go... I still
feel like that fat ugly blob in those wedding photos with DBF 75% of the
time.... and I will continue to work on myself and my self esteem until I fix
that..
I will try to post updated pictures soon, I am just so lazy about uploading my
pics :) hehe
So, I had a wonderful VDAY, I had to work but DBF cleaned the house while I was
at work and got me BEAUTIFUL flowers which I smell each morning and when I come
home... and he took me to dinner at a wonderful Italian restaurant, anyway it
was all fantastic and I loved it, it was by far the best night we've had in a
long long time. :)
I guess that's it for now.
2/24/04 -- Still in onederland! teehee... not much else is new
So, I'm still in onederland. I have to admit I was scared I'd gain it all back. I had another scary dream about gaining weight, how I was doing something or other and said But I've lost half a lb since then, and other people were saying but you look 20 lbs heavier!! You're clothes are too small now! ... ugh. anyway it was an awful dream. I dreamed it after I weighed myself this week (I lost .5 lbs, putting me at 197.5) and I went back to sleep cuz I was still tired, and being lazy. :) ... no more sleeping after WI!
I'm happy I lost my half a pound, since I had such a big loss last week (2.5 lbs is a big loss for me) I have a tendency to maintain the week afterwards. Plus I had a MASSIVE amount of Mexican food on Saturday :) hehehe .. it was so nummy. worth all 35 flex points. lol
My size 14 stretchy pants that I have are getting a little more lose, I can wear them in public if I have a long shirt to cover my tummy/butt area since they're still pretty tight there, but they are getting loser. I am still just wearing them for working out. My size 16 slacks that are Kathy lee brand are pretty loose ... I went to Wal-Mart and Kmart and neither place had them. Wally World had their remaining inventory on a clearance rack and they didn't have any 14 longs. :( *sniffle* Now I'm going to have to find other pants that fit me well. >:( I don't know what to do, boo hoo. I hate buying clothes, HATE IT!!! hehe ... ok well I don't hate it that much, and it is getting better now that I actually fit into some stuff but still... I'm so dang tall that I find no pants that are long enough unless they are Longs... that sounds simply enough right? well.. unfortunately it's not. Many people don't make pants in longs, and the ones that do don't have hardly any sizes... and if they do have my size, well they fit all weird. They're either WAY too lose in the waist, or fit in the waist and way too tight in the hips/butt area. So I end up buying pants to fit my hip area and having them hang way too low and , ugh, just doesn't look as clean and crisp as I'd like them to. But if that's the worst dilemma I have to deal with then I should be so lucky. :)
I'm still unable to wear my size 16 George's from a few posts ago. They are certainly loser then they were when I bought them, for sure, but they are still too tight to wear. When I get home (or perhaps tomorrow morning if I'm feeling too tired/icky tonight) I am going to try my suit pants on. I own one suit, it's great, pinstripe, the jacket fits me perfectly right now , maybe even a little loose (but that's ok for a jacket) but the pants have been way too tight since about 2 months after I bought the suit. They're a size 16 but the pants are lined and stuff and they run smaller then some other size 16's I've tried on. I haven't tried them in a month or two and maybe they will fit better now. :) Let's hope! yay .. :) ... I'll keep you posted, oh journal of mine. I have tried on other 16's and they either fit or are a little loose, and I've tried on some that are still tight (ugh) ...
I had a bowl of All Bran this morning with a little Splenda in it. Whew did I get my fiber in !! 20 grams of fiber!!! ... My stomach feels like it's got a brick in it. Sounds pleasant, no? ;) but then I have felt really bloated recently so it probably doesn't have much to do with the All Bran. But I'm glad I got my fiber in! hehe
My doctors appointment went well. I had it yesterday. My exam seemed ok, though she did find a whole bunch of lumps in my breasts. I said that they are normally really lumpy like that but she thought we could feel them better then before because of the loss of fat. Either way she scheduled me for a mammogram because there was one lump in particular she was a little concerned about. We both think it's probably a cyst (my mom has gotten lots of cysts before) but it's better to be safe then sorry, for sure! :)
She also gave me medicine for my migraines which I'm VERY happy about. and some medicine for joint pains to take when needed, and they did blood work on me to see if I have arthritis. I hope I don't, but I've always assumed I do. Now we'll know for sure! :) ..
So that's about it today, dear journal. I'm looking very forward to lunch time which is in 1 more hour, when I can have soup and bread at the Soup Kitchen! I love that place. I go there every day, and I yearn for it when I don't work. Every town should have a soup kitchen.
Oh yes, I updated my weight's page with this week's weight of course, but also my beginning and current measurements (well current as of 2/9/04) and my mini-goals that I have reached and have yet to reach. :)
That's it for now, take care!
3/3/04 -- Made my St Patricks day goal!! Hopefully I won't gain it back next week, hehe
So I lost 1.0 lbs this week, putting me at 196.5!!! Every time I go to type my weight I start with a 2. I've been in the 2xx's for so long.. I almost don't know how to type a 1xx!! .. but I will get used to it! :D
Let's see... I'm very happy with my loss as I ate weird foods last week because of being at the hospital with my Mom and I only worked out once. Hospital food, bleh *shudder* ... some of it was ok, but other stuff was just, groady. hehe ... Mom's surgery went well, thank God! She just went home yesterday, which is longer then we thought, but at least she is home and safe n sound :)
I had my performance review at work today, it went really well, and the Boss is seeing the improvements that I've been really working hard on, and that made me really feel great, and appreciated. She understands that I have work left to do but knows that where I am now is day from night how I was when I was first hired (first real job out of college)... and she said that I am coming into my own, and she is now seeing what she saw in me when she hired me coming to fruition. anyway all of that means that I'm doing good, and they want to give me more responsibilities, etc, and I told them that I definitely am looking for that, that I'd love to be responsible for more training when any needs arise, and that I also want to be more involved in the web development we have going for stuff. yay! :)
Weight Watchers wise, I'm doing ok, I am eating more then my allotted points, but I am not going over my flex. I feel like I don't count my points as well as I should be, and I am trying to be better about that. Last week was hard, but it would not have been impossible, I just didn't want to count. hehe ... I am counting this week very well so far though.
I am doing well with exercising, ... I went to the gym last night, which was hard since I only went once last week and only did the elliptical thingy for 40 minutes, no weight training, etc.. I did very well last night though. I was unable to complete all 3 sets of 2 exercises, but I did 2 out of 3 sets on both, and I did them well. I did all sets for the other exercises and then I did 40 minutes on the elliptical!!!! That's the longest ever after doing weight training and not skipping that and going right to the elliptical after the warm up like I did last week. I hope to do about 35 minutes of cardio tonight after my weight training. :)
Home life is good. We worked hard on Monday on the yard, since it was not raining. We have a little drainage creek that runs along the side of the house for when it rains a lot, and it was full of leaves/debris, so Paul cleaned that out, and then we lined the edge of it in rocks from our back yard (we live on a cliff pretty much and tons of boulders/rocks all over the back yard, which is very steep, angling up) ... and we also fixed the shape of the big garden bed in our front yard, the only one we did not work on at all last year. It was a weird oblong shape before and now it's a nice oval! We need to transplant the country rose and the sedum plants that are in there, then we will have to get rid of all the rest (which are weeds) and design a flower garden for it and plant! I will take pictures when we get it all done.
I need to connect my garden page to this page. I have pictures up of our spring garden from last year, which is the first year I've lived in the house with DBF and we worked very hard on the house and yard all year long. Now we will be able to reap the rewards of that hard work, plus put in some more good hard work to make it even better!!
I am thinking also about repainting the house. I'm not at all happy with the color. I picked out paint that I thought would show up as a light grey, unfortunately it looks totally white, and I don't like how the house looks with white paint. It has blue and white trim (the windows have blue trim, the corners and porch have white trim) ... but I want it to be a diff color then white. I will let you know. It only took us a day and a half to paint the house last year, so it shouldn't be too bad if we painted it again. :) I hope!! hehe
I will connect this page to a page about the house and yard (I will have to update it and actually make one for the house, as I don't have those pictures online yet) .. and then I will post the link in here :)
Hope you all had a great week and Here's to another great one :)
3/16/04 - BIG Loss!!!
Ok so here's what's happened in the last week or so...
Well last week my mom had told me that she didn't see that I had lost anything
recently and she didn't think she could lose any more, etc. It greatly upset me,
and since I didn't make a post last week I didn't mention it. However, I talked to my Mom this weekend and told her about her threat of quitting WW , etc, and she said NO I didn't say anything like that! And I said oh yes you did, and relayed the
conversation to her , she said she couldn't remember saying that at all, and that I look 2000% better then I did 6 months ago, and that though she may not be able to tell the difference in me week to week she does see the overall difference and that I'm doing great and she has no plans on quitting WW. lol so that's a load of stress gone out the window! I'm very happy that she isn't quitting. she said it must have been the drugs talking (from her knee replacement) .. :)
I had a mammogram last week, and they found a lump, which the Dr found during my annual exam. They gave me a mammogram and an ultrasound but were unable to see any problems. they think it's just breast tissue that raised up, and that I can feel it so well since I've lost so much weight (my breasts are quite a bit smaller then they used to be)... but they want me to come in in 6 months for another mammogram. scary. I think (hope) everything will be fine though :) I just have lumpy breasts..
Last week I maintained (stayed at 196.5) .....
This week I lost 4.0 lbs!!!!!!!! I could not believe it, I weighed myself like 10 times, I picked up the kitten and weighed us together (he's 11 lbs) and put him down and weighed myself again and it was still the same. I did this a few times. lol ... and I weighed myself this morning and it was still 192.5 :D !! ... So I'm really excited. I was hoping to get below 195 to see my dad and now I'm well below that, and maybe I'll get to 190 by the time I see him!!! EEEE !!!! Excitement!! :D I've only got 2 weigh-ins before I see Dad, it's coming up so soon, I'm nervous and excited and really happy to be seeing him. It was hard for me to have them leave when they visited our house last summer, and I haven't seen him since, but it will be awesome.
YAY!
oh yes and my BMI is now 25.4!!! OMG !!!! hehehehe ... I have, what, 4 lbs to lose to get to a healthy weight range ? for the first time, like, ever ?!?! hehehehehe YAY!!!
and 23.5 lbs left to go to get to my goal, which I've never weighed except on the way up in
high school. it's phenomenal. anyway I'm very happy and hopefully I will continue to do well.
As long as I can eat soup at soup kitchen, life is good. :) mmmmm soup!
4/16/04 - Haven't updated in a while, but I'm still with it!!!
Well I'm updating my page again.. several things have been going on in the last few weeks
Well, I had one week of maintaining at 192.5, then I had another week where I GAINED 1.0 (grr) .. then I did not weigh in last week because I was visiting my Dad, but this week I weighed in and was down 3.0 lbs to be at 190.5!!! YAY!!!
So, all in all, it's been successful and I'm very happy. I am now 1.5 lbs away from officially no longer being overweight. I can't believe that I am this close, and have come this far! I am also 1 lb away from my 65 lbs lost mark since officially starting WW on July 1st! and I'm about 80?? lbs away from where I started... It's insane, it's crazy, it's COOL!
When I reach 189.5 (notice I said When not If) my BMI will be 24.9 and I will not be overweight any more according to the standardized charts. I'm really excited about this, and I hope that in the next 2 weeks I can reach that goal, because 2 WI's from now is my 25th birthday! (4/26) ... It would be such a wonderful present to myself to not be overweight on my BDAY, however if I don't make it, I will still be happy because I will be WAY closer to that goal then I was last year when I was at my heaviest. I really believe I can do this now, and that gives me some peace of mind.
My car needed a new clutch, not sure if I mentioned that before, probably not. Anyway after looking around for other cars I decided to go ahead and fix my car, which had a grand total of $968. I am happy it's fixed, I'm happy it's working normally now, I'm not happy about how much it cost, but that's life eh? It also needs a new center speaker as I think I've blown it out. That won't be very much money though and will be a quickly purchased item I'm sure, since I MUST listen to my music, and I like it loud :)
I went to see my Dad and step mom Marianne last week. I hadn't seen them since the week I started WW, so it was a great treat for them and me. They of course have known I was doing it, but I think they were amazed at the transformation I've undergone so far! Dad said I looked fantastic and Marianne said I looked like a model!! You can't get much better then that!! HEHE!
I know I am still 21.5 lbs away from my goal... but I am occasionally seeing the difference in myself. My self esteem is still pretty low sometimes but other times I am really blossoming I think. I used to act so self confident and feel like I looked good, but I think that was when there was a lot of alcohol in my life, and it affecting my thinking about such things. I've come to realize a lot of what I was during college and the year after graduation was directly based on the alcohol I was drinking. As I have almost completely cut out alcohol (not entirely, but almost) my life has changed incredibly drastically. I no longer see things through this cloud of ... well I don't know what the cloud was made of, perhaps alcoholic fumes. but anyway, I don't see myself as this hot young chic who's super cool... I just see myself as I am, I think. Perhaps my perception is a little negative as far as my body goes, but then, I do see that there are improvements.
My friend Liam told me that he doesn't think I should lose any more weight. That he thinks I am at the perfect weight for my height. This makes me a little sad, because I am still very unhappy with my lower half especially, but my arms are still big and I still have some back fat that I'd like to get rid of (hope I don't gross anyone out!!) ... Anyway, I think to myself, why does he want me to continue looking this way when I could look better, and be healthier maybe?? I think that I am in pretty decent physical shape as far as muscle and stamina go, and that's great, but I could still lose some fat (21.5 lbs of fat to take a guess?? hehe). I think that he is drawn to slightly overweight women, as his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend were both somewhat overweight, the ex girlfriend being quite overweight (he was happy when she wanted to lose some pounds but I know he didn't want her to be a skinny minny)... Or is it that he honestly thinks I look good now?
Well whatever the answer may be, I know that I need to keep going for my happiness, and that is really what matters here, isn't it? Maybe I will be happy in 10 or 15 lbs... Maybe I won't. But all I can do is keep going til I am. I have no fears that I will never be happy with myself, because while my body may never be "perfect" it will always be better then what it was, and as long as I can shop in normal places and look good in my clothes, I don't necessarily have to like how my rear end looks when I'm fresh out of the shower or something. Only people to see that are me, Paul, and maybe a Dr or two. hehehehe
So, that's it for now I think. I am really excited about an outing I have planned for Sunday night. I am going to a club which should be really fun, has my kind of music, I'll drink a little (not a lot, I'd imagine I'm a "cheap date" at this point, my alcohol tolerance should be so low), and dance the night away :)
I'll check in later!
5/4/04 - Ok so I haven't updated in a while again.. I'll try and be better, promise!
size 14 pants (YAY!!!!) size 12/14/L shirts... but 12 fits the best right now in most brands, yippi!! wieght 188.0
So here is what is happening with me, ummm nothing! ... hehe no seriously... Work has been extremely busy. I am in charge (well that is I do all the work and someone else says they are in charge) of a project where we are training managers from 550 sites how to use a particular new thing. We have to build the thing first, then we have to make it work properly, then we have to get corporate to approve it and train them at it, then we get to train the managers at the sites! how exciting. Anyway it's very time consuming, frustrating, but interesting and neat. I'm glad I am able to do stuff over and above the normal every day thing that I've done for a year and a half here. I'm happy for the extra responsibilities, even though they make me nervous and want to eat.
So, currently my weight is 188.0.... According to Fancy BMI Calculator my BMI is now 24.8 !! I am officially in the healthy weight range. Am I excited about this? Sure, you bet! Do I feel like I am still way over weight? Sure, you bet! ... sigh.
I know I am looking better, by far, then I have in a very long long time, perhaps ever. I know that I have never, in the last 10 years at least, weighed less then I weigh now. I thought I had gotten down to 185 after my tonsils but that was just a guess, and it was dashed when I put on the clothes I was wearing at that time and they are too big now. This is all great you say, and I say too! ... I find myself getting very worried lately though. I am worried about several things.
I am worried that I will not be able to lose any more. I am worried that I am losing my motivation and willpower.. I am worried that perhaps I could maintain the weight I am at now with no big problems, but 19 lbs from now ?!?! How will I ever EVER be able to maintain that and have any semblance of a normal life ??? I'm also worried that it isn't possible for me to lose 19 more lbs. it's ridiculous of course. I mean I can see the fat still on me and can pinch off a big piece of it from anywhere on my body. So I know I have fat to lose. I of course do not want to lose all my fat, I want to be womanly looking, not like the terminator...so I am very careful with not doing too high of weights and doing high repetitions instead of low ... I've done reading on how to build muscle and how to tone muscle.. and toning is what I want to do. and what I have been doing.
So enough about that.
I went out a couple weeks ago, to a club with my kind of music and people... it was great, I had a lot of fun, I drank a lot (which isn't great but I almost never drink so it's ok) and I danced for about 5 hours.. with barely a rest. Let me tell you, I could not walk the next day... I was in Such horrible pain .. ugh. I am not used to that, and my knees sure aren't used to that. But it was worth it, and I am going out again the next time they have this event, which is monthly. I must have burned off most of the calories from my drinks (vodka and sprites) because my WI was the next day and I think I lost a pound or so. :) or half a pound, or something anyway it was a loss and that's what counts!
My wall next to me at work that has my calendars up is really filling up with stars. each day I put one of my little metallic stars up to mark the passage of time and each day that I am on WW. I have 4 months on each sheet of paper, 2 sheets up right now ( I didn't start doing this until October) ... and at the end of may I will be on my 3rd sheet! ... I really enjoy putting my star up each day, it makes me feel happy :)
I think my sister is going to marry her boyfriend. This is exciting, and I know that he makes her happy. They are going to live together for about 6 months I think, but I know they are looking at rings, and I know he definitely wants to marry her. She is a little cautious, but that's just fine, as well she should be. She's been married before and has a teenage son and she is VERY transient... she cannot be tied down to anything... so this is a huge HUGE step for her. I hope that they are very happy with each other and that it works out for the best.
That's about it for now. I am going to do WW til the day I die, and maybe I will sluff off a bit but hopefully not. I am proud of what I have done and how far I have come and I know I can get where I want to be, all it takes is some time, some willpower, and some love, for myself, and for my life :)
6/2/04 - FINALLY lost some weight - 185.0
Hello! I struggled for a while with losing tiny amounts of weight or nothing at all, and lost 2.0 lbs this week. Next week will prove whether it stays off or not. hehe ... Let us hope! So far that puts me at 185.0 with a BMI of 24.4 (YAY!!!) ... lost from highest weight is 85 lbs, lost from start of WW is 70 lbs! wowee! :D
I have 16 lbs left to lose to my goal weight of 169. I really feel like I can do it. It may take me months on end but I can do this. I've recently added two new calf exercises to my regime, and am going to try polishing my skills doing squats, dead lifts and lunges. I went over the calf stuff with the head guy at my gym and he said that he would be happy to watch and help while I do those other exercises, as I said my problem areas right now are definitely my legs. I am, however, starting to FINALLY see a difference in my legs, when I look in the mirror. They are far from what I want them to look like, but the fact I can actually see a difference is saying something.
I've also been dealing with some really big depression lately, and a bit of hopelessness and feelings of animosity. I think I have begun to work through this, though it is going to be a long road. It isn't anything that happened suddenly, it just has escalated continuously for a while, and it's been breaking me down, bit by bit. I am worried about going to a shrink because my Mom pointed out that they report that to my employer, since it would be through insurance, and that it's the kiss of death for any advancement etc within the company. So, since I can't afford to pay for it on my own, I am going to try to deal with it on my own.... We'll see if it works.
Today I applied for a part time job as a personal assistant to a guy in psychology (which is kinda funny, if you think about it, from last paragraph) .. anyway it would be just a handful of hours a week, or less, and pays $12 an hour! pretty good. It would be a nice little cushion each month and I really hope I get it, though he knows I have a full time job doing something else. I think I would be good at this though and it could be like, my little secret (not from my family or DBF but.. from everyone else.. hehe) ..
I also called about being a secret shopper, but it costs $80 to sign up!!!! forget that!!! I can't afford 80 bucks. pshaw.
I found no other interesting jobs in the paper this Sunday, but at least I looked. It's part of my plan for happiness... Another part of the plan is to start saving for retirement. I took the plunge and signed up for my 401K plan at work! I am saving about 44$ a month into this plan now. I will miss those $40 but, hopefully I will live long enough to enjoy it down the road. Obviously I will have to contribute much more then that for any semblance of a real retirement, but I'm 25 and I at least got it started. I also opened a seperate savings account, which I will contribute money to when I can afford to do so. I am trying to pay my car off, and for the last two months have paid $500 additional each month towards the car, and I'm hoping to continue this for 6 more months, which would make the last payment at the end of November, 2004. then, my car would be MINE!!!!!!!! ALLLLLL paid off!!! It's really exciting. Do I think it's possible to do this? Maybe. hehehe... I may have to skip the extra payment one or two months, but I can do this, and I'm proud of myself for taking this step. I would have it paid off 1.5 yrs in advance if I continue at the rate I'm going :D ! ... My plan is, once I've paid it off, take December off so I can get gifts for people, then start making those car payments to my new savings account, so that I will have a little nest egg, and also so that I can save up for a down payment on another car ! I am not going to buy a NEW car, but the car will be new to me, and hopefully not more then a year old, two at the max. I want it to be a nice car too. so anyway Here's to saving and being responsible!
I will update if my plan is coming to fruition or not... It's really tight making these huge payments, but I'm going to try, because that's all I can do. :)
I am currently addicted to Cracker Barrel Fudge ... sigh. at least I am only eating one portion at a time, or so. so that's good. each night I finish the evening with fudge. mmmmmmmmmmmmm sooooo good. Perhaps this is why I'm not losing weight? but nah.. .it's in my points... and I don't eat it during my non-workout days... usually. hehe
That's it for now, take care!
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